“I’m sick of this, why do I have to put up with rude customers all the time?”
“I’m almost 21, why am I not working towards making my dreams come true?”
“I love to write — I have to make that my career… Somehow.”
These were just a handful of the many questions I was asking myself only 6 months ago. I was sick of working at dead-end jobs, I was sick of the routine I had created for myself. Something had to change.
That was when I looked back to the times in my life when I truly felt alive — when I thought nothing could ever bring me down. That was in Europe, where I met an amazing group of people and had the time of my life. Although my liver did not agree!
How could I recreate that sense of adventure? Another trip to Europe? No, that’s too temporary. I craved something new, something longer lasting than just a couple of weeks abroad. So I dug deeper, wrote down a list of places I had connections in. That’s when it hit me; I met some amazing people from Canada while I was in Europe, maybe that’s what I need? A Canadian escape?
I reached out to my Canadian friend, and sure enough, I had a place to stay. I still remember that sense of dread when handing in my resignation the same day I booked my flights. What am I doing? I’m leaving a stable life behind, not to mention my family! No, I needed this. At least that’s what I thought.
I sold all my belongings. My car, my gaming consoles, my old clothes; my life. I was starting fresh, a brand new life.
The first day in Canada I dyed my hair. I wanted a new identity, and it didn’t work. I began to question who I was and why I thought ‘changing’ would be a good idea. I don’t need to change, especially to make people like me. I will be the first to admit I wasn’t sure of who I was. A previous heartbreak had changed me, and I wasn’t sure if it was for the better.
I had lost myself. I had to find the old Adam, and I thought the best way to do that was by meeting new people and experiencing new things. I began to sink into my old habit of craving human attention, I needed constant reassurance that people truly cared about me.
Doing so, I lost a few friends & shed a few tears. I wanted to meet new people, not push them away. This further assured me that I had truly lost myself and needed help.
I’ve been in Canada for 3 months. The longest I’ve ever been away from my friends & family. It’s hard, and I miss them more every day. I missed my old life.
That’s when it hit me.
I didn’t need to be in a different country to figure out who I was. I already knew! My perfect life was that of being back home with the people I truly love. The people who make my life perfect. I was just doing things that blinded me from the beauty of my life in New Zealand. I was working in environments that held me back from my writing career and letting toxic people my relationships with them shape my life. Not anymore.
As I write this, I plan on my return to New Zealand in 2018. In the mean-time, I’m going to enjoy Canada and feel what it’s like to live their rich lifestyle. Snow is on the way, and I’ll finally get to experience a white Christmas. I might even go skiing!
I’ll see you soon, New Zealand.
2018 is the year I let nothing, and no-one, hold me back.